Stephany

Time to do what I started this blog for and have a rant.

My boyfriend and I have been living together since September 2012. It is now June 2013 and he is currently at his second day of a new job as a track worker (very proud!!) while I'm sat at home doing nothing very much. Until he got this job he was unemployed and was finding it very hard to find work. Even though he never told me himself, I knew he was getting fed up lonely because I was spending most days at university and he was home alone reading emails that went something along the lines of "thank you for your interest but you are not what we're looking for".

To keep himself entertained he started going on Omegle, just as something to do. For those who don't know, its an app that links you to random people anywhere in the world and you chat to them basically. I knew this and had no problem with it. Why would I?

We were cuddled up on the sofa on 31/1/13 celebrating our 3 year anniversary with a film and a takeaway when I realised his phone was buzzing a lot. "Must be one of the lads" I think and cuddle in. When I notice he's paying more attention to his phone than to the film I glance up to see whats keeping him occupied. Stephany. Who's Stephany? I leave it and just try to enjoy the film. He wouldn't be flirting with a girl on our night in, right?

This constant messaging of the mysterious Stephany goes on for about week when I decided to do the stupid thing and sneak a look at his phone before I go off to uni in the morning. Why didn't I just ask him what was going on? Because I was afraid of the answer. I thought if I could just see that they were talking about innocent things (whatever they might be) then I could stop worrying and just wait for him to tell me himself.

What I saw when I was snooping was him sending her messages with lots of little iphone flowers "just for you" and her replying "your such a nice person" (haha she can't use the correct grammar, one up to me). I didn't have time to scroll any further up the conversation, he might wake up and see me with his phone in my hand and I had to go to uni.

By this time my mind is in panic mode and I am definitely to afraid to confront him with it now. Thanks to my Dad, I find it extremely hard to confront men and tell them what I'm thinking for fear of a backlash and making the situation much worse. Women on the other hand, no problem. I'll tell you exactly what I'm thinking and I'll talk things through. But with men I turn into a child and just hide away instead of sorting out the problem. Maybe I should turn lesbian? At least the relationship would be easier to handle.

After a few days of constant worrying I went to a uni friend with the situation because I knew she had gone through a similar thing and would know what to do. She told me to do what I already knew I had to, ask him about it. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else. So that night I plucked up the courage and asked him who Stephany was. He laughed. He actually laughed while I sat there trying to hold back tears. But he explained that she was a girl from America that he met on Omegle and they got on so well that they both got whatsap so they could talk to each other more. He said that they'd talked about me and that she has a boyfriend so I have no need to worry.

I took all this in but was still unsure as to why he didn't just tell me about her if it was nothing to hide. To which he said he didn't want to worry me ...? But he worried me more by not mentioning it. Ughr. Then he asked:
"Do you want me to stop talking to her"?
"No its fine"
WHAT!? Why did I say no!? I did and do want him to stop talking to her but I don't want to be that kind of girlfriend and why should I be jealous when she lives in America?

Stupid, stupid me. But its too late now I've said it.

He continues to talk to her and tells her everything: sends her pictures of what he's doing, messages her more than me when he's on a night out with the lads and always has a smile on his face when they talk (how do I know all this? Because I continued to snoop on his phone). But I got used to this because as he says, she lives in America, why am I worrying so much?

I still feel a twang of annoyance whenever they message each other but its not as bad now and they don't speak as often. I guess what annoyed me the most about the whole thing was I know if the role were reversed and I was the one chatting to a random guy from America all the time and sending him pictures of me with my friends then my boyfriend would hit the roof. But he doesn't think to look at it like that and I didn't have the guts to say it.

Wow. I sound like such a pathetically clingy girlfriend.