Nightmares

Last night I discovered a correlation between my nightmares and real life. The night before I go home to visit the parents, I will have a nightmare about arguing with my Dad and him not understanding where I'm coming from. Sounds like a petty nightmare I know but my Dad shouting at me is a very real and genuine fear for me. 

I noticed this when last night when, under the idea that we might pop in to see my parents before heading back up to Lancaster, I had a nightmare where Dad accused me of lying to him about my financial situation and told me that I'm incapable of looking after myself. This happened the night before we went on holiday as well where in my dream we were involved in a shouting match where he called me pathetic. I was then reminded of many other times that this had happened, I'd just never made the connection before. 

Despite the fact that in my dreams I can stand up to him and shout back, in reality I still fail at this. On the morning of the holiday we did have a huge falling out about the fact that Ben and I were late home the night before and he wasn't informed that this would happen. He felt that we should have been there earlier in the day to help organise the house ready to go in the morning. 

The problem was that we had planned to be there much earlier than we were but Ben's Mum had surprised us with a meal out that took much longer than if we had eaten in. I appologised to Mum and Dad about this in the morning but Dad was still not satisfied and demanded an apology from Ben as well who told Dad the same thing I had. But the man still wasn't satisfied and a one sided shouting match ensued, all aimed at me. 

It was the first time I had tried to fit the needs of both families into one day. It was Ben's Gran's Birthday that day and his Mum hadn't seen him in ages and was missing him very much, so I was reluctant to drag him away. I explained this to Mum when she took me out of the room to stop crying and she said she understood and didn't care that we were late, just as long as we were here. Dad, however, refused to let this go until the next day when he hugged me and asked me how I was and how everything up in Lancaster is going. 

I am still pissed off that I was reduced to tears and still can't stand up to my Dad but what can I do about it? I tried.

So maybe my nightmares and unjust. But am I really that afraid of my Dad that subconsciously it makes me afraid to go home? Evidently so.